Spotlight On Sobriety 10/26/2025
- Steve N.
- Oct 20
- 10 min read
Updated: Oct 27
In this week's publication:
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Spotlight On Sobriety 10/26/2025
A Painful Road - Jeff A.
I was born in the 1950s to white, upper-middle-class parents. At a young age, I often felt like the "odd man out." I was too young to know that I was gay; I simply knew that I was different. The last time that I remember being happy was at age thirteen during a sleep-away summer camp. Life was carefree, and I loved spending time outdoors—hiking, swimming, and taking camping trips.
When I was fourteen, at a New Year's Eve party, one of my brothers thought it cute to give me a glass of champagne. I am convinced that I was an alcoholic from day one, since I drank at least a dozen glasses and went into a blackout. I was an innocent kid, and yet, that was the day that I was off to the races for the next seventeen years.
At age fifteen, my parents sent me to an all-boys boarding school. I was still very innocent. Many of the kids were smoking pot, doing acid, and using other drugs. I didn't fit in and was bullied and made fun of. Also, I became aware that I was attracted to other boys, yet the school was homophobic and I felt if I let my secret out, I would become the school faggot. It was a small school, and nobody in the school was out.
At age sixteen, I went on a "study abroad" trip with kids my age from local schools. We were on a bus traveling through Europe. The other kids were smoking hash. I was afraid to smoke it, so I got booze, which was easy to get in Europe. By drinking, my shyness and insecurities left me. Booze made me confident, articulate and witty. I no longer felt like the "odd man out." When I got back to school, I started smoking pot and doing other drugs with my classmates. I began fitting in better with other boys, even though they didn't know my secret. I almost got kicked out of school because someone told the headmaster that I kept liquor in my room. He would have kicked me out, except that he probably thought that my parents would give money to the school.
One positive experience at school was discovering my passion for art. I had talent, which was encouraged by an excellent art teacher. I won a third prize for painting in an art contest between about a dozen private boarding schools.
By the time that I got to college, I was a "full-fledged" alcoholic. I could drink almost anyone under the table. I managed to get good grades because I majored in art, which I excelled in. I created a large sculpture during my junior year which my art teacher arranged for me to hang in one of the main hallways of the school. Also, I got my first DUI driving back to college from a gay bar, spending a night in jail. I also had my first gay sex in college, even though I was not out. I covered up being gay by sleeping with a few girls. I knew, though, that I preferred boys.
After graduating from college, I moved to New York City and got a job doing graphic design at an advertising agency. I also took advantage of the sexual liberation of the late 1970s. It was sex, booze, and disco. One night when I got drunk, two guys held me up at knifepoint. They took my money and made me take off all of my clothes. Fortunately, I had the sense to throw my keys into an alley because I thought that they might rape or kill me. Instead, they ran off with my money. I found a carpet remnant to cover myself and walked over fifty blocks back to my apartment. I remember waking up the next day and thinking that I could have been killed.
In 1980, I was let go from an advertising job and my father convinced me to return to school to pursue an MBA. It was one of my last attempts to please my parents. I received a fellowship from one of the schools to which I applied. I think it was because I sent them a photo of one of my sculptures. Little did they know that I was lousy at finance, accounting and statistics.
At this point, I was experiencing a difficult time with my parents and family. My parents suspected that I was gay, so to try to influence me, they waged a campaign to make being gay the worst possible thing one could be—the lowest of the low. My father, with my mother's support, frequently made pejorative remarks. Because of the tirades, I was afraid to come out to them, or anyone else in my family. Amazingly, they thought they could change my sexual orientation.
My drinking escalated in graduate school. I wound up in the city "drunk tank" while there. In a blackout, I lost my wallet and couldn't pay a cab driver, who got me arrested. I woke up in a crowded cell, not knowing how I had ended up there. My court hearing was scheduled for that night, but the cab driver never showed up, so my case was dismissed.
In the summer of 1981, due to my father's influence, I secured an internship at a real estate company in Atlanta. Arriving in Atlanta the weekend before, I fell on my face in front of a gay club. I went to the interview on Monday with a big shiner. Thanks to nepotism, I still got the job!
My drinking continued to escalate until I became desperate enough to try AA. I first went to a "straight” meeting and then, upon someone's recommendation, to a "gay" meeting on Friday night. It was my first gay meeting. I walked in and was greeted by many smiling faces and friendly people. That was in the summer of 1981. I identified with the speaker that night and left the meeting with some phone numbers, hoping to not disappoint the nice people that I met by drinking again. I probably put together a few weeks or months, but I could not stay sober, drinking to oblivion to anesthetize my feelings.
When I went back to visit my family, I was again subjected to homophobic remarks. My father was a very kind and generous man who would have done anything for his family or friends. At the same time, he was a man of his generation who had his prejudices. Unfortunately, he had a blind spot with me, even though I am sure that he loved me.
After completing my studies at graduate school, I secured a full-time position at the Atlanta real estate company. I continued to go to meetings, but I couldn't stay sober. I remember going back to New York for Christmas. My parents were expecting a new grandchild, and after a few drinks, my father said, "The worst thing that could happen to me is if my grandchild turned out to be a fag!" I remember angrily replying, "Of course, you would love that child; it would be your flesh and blood." My father backtracked, but the damage was already done. I left abruptly the next day and, shortly thereafter, got shitfaced.
I lived in Atlanta for about two and a half years, but I could not achieve any long-term sobriety, even though I went to meetings. I usually had slips when I was traveling. I got arrested for my third DUI in Atlanta.
By the mid-1980s, the real estate market in Atlanta was in a recession, so I decided to move back to New York. I had a boyfriend at the time who wanted to come with me. It was a terrible idea, especially since I hadn't come out to my family. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a boy who had never been to New York before. Being the "people pleaser" that I am, in a moment of weakness, I told him yes.
I got a sublet in Manhattan because I couldn't bring my boyfriend home to my parents. The sublet was very expensive. The pressure became too much for me, so inevitably, I started drinking again and had to send my boyfriend back to Georgia. Before leaving, he said, "You need to go to therapy to save our relationship." That was the best advice that he could have given me. I found a therapist in Manhattan. Rather than talking to the therapist about our relationship, anger erupted about my family and their homophobia. It was like a volcano exploding. The therapist helped me to accept myself.
My last drink was on December 22, 1985. I went to a bar in the West Village and drove home in a blackout. I must have gone through either the Midtown Tunnel or the Williamsburg Bridge and could have killed somebody! Shortly after that, I began attending gay AA meetings in New York City. I've heard it said that it is not good to do a "geographic" when trying to get sober, but, in my case, I needed a fresh start in AA. I had so many relapses when I lived in Atlanta that it helped me to start over again.
My parents invited me to their house for Easter in 1986. During Easter dinner, my father started talking about "flaming faggots." I was so angry that I got up from the dinner table and told everyone that I was leaving. I stormed out of their house. When I returned to my apartment, I wrote a letter to my parents saying that I was gay and that they were driving me out of the family with their pejorative remarks. I wrote that if they couldn't accept it, they should seek therapy (as I had already done). I mailed the letter and agonized about what might happen. For the next two or three days, which seemed like an eternity, I thought my life was over. When my parents finally called me, they began by exchanging small talk about the grandchildren. Finally, I asked, "Did you get my letter?" They replied, "Yes, we did, and had we known that you were gay, we never would have made those comments. We still love and accept you." I felt a million pounds lifted off my back. I didn't buy that they didn't know that I was gay, but I was happy that they were finally going to shut up!
It took me a long time to emotionally recover from this ordeal. Fortunately, my mother adapted to the times and became much more accepting of gay people as she got older. My father also did his best to adapt until he got dementia and forgot that I was gay. It was sad. My nephews and nieces are of another generation, so they are very accepting of me and gay people. To them, it's no big deal.
Later this year, I will have forty years of sobriety. I've had a different and sober partner for over thirty-one years. I have had many "ups and downs" in sobriety. Now, I show up for people. I was there for my father when he died. I took care of my mother during the last years of her life. We had an excellent relationship. Everyone in my family was grateful to me for taking care of her. I was the lucky one because I got to spend the most time with her. I also got back into my art. I create sculptures and furniture, as well as do graphic design and photography. My MBA diploma got put away in the drawer years ago.
Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. I am convinced that I would have died if I hadn't gotten sober. I am a testament that the Promises do come true. I went to meetings and took it "one day at a time." By doing so, I have stayed sober for almost forty years. I am grateful to AA and for my life today.
Jeff A.
Introduction of Candidates
Annual Meeting 11/01/2025 12:30 PM ET
Our Annual Meeting will be held on Saturday, November 1, 2025, at 12:30 PM ET on Zoom.
Below is an overview of what members will be voting on and names of candidates. More information is available on our Annual Meeting webpage:
Proposed bylaw changes (Annual Meeting Page) To provide clarity, broaden membership information, add meeting information, and update to current business practices.
Section 1.0, a and b: Correct by removing “Service” from Internal Revenue Code
Section 2.0: Revise and update “Statement of Inclusion”.
Section 3.0, a: Add provision to join GaL-AA through approved social media outlets, b: clarify provisions for member voting, c: specify that financial support is optional and not a requirement for membership.
Section 7.0, a ii: Remove Advisor IV position: Remove specialties from Liaison positions.
Section 9.0, Add provision for Special Meeting notification through social media.
Section 11.0, a, b, c, d: Add language clarifying election cycle and procedures..
We are pleased to announce the names of the trusted servants who have been nominated to serve on the Executive Committee. Each candidate will speak before voting begins to introduce themselves and discuss their willingness to serve on GaL-AA‘s Executive Committee:
Deputy Chair – Anil P.
Secretary – Chris B.
Advisor I – James R. - filling an unexpired term of one year.
Advisor II – Steve N. - for full term, 2 years.
Advisor III – Michael M. - filling an unexpired term of one year.
Voting will take place live within Zoom using its secure voting features. To ensure your voice is counted, it is essential that you be on our official GaL-AA email list, as meeting and voting links will not be shared on social media. For security reasons, meeting details and voting links will only be distributed via email to subscribers.
During this meeting, members are encouraged to participate by listening to the reports given by each member of the Executive Committee and to each candidate as they introduce themselves and outline their willingness to serve on GaL-AA’s Executive Committee. Questions may be submitted in advance to support@gal-aa.org. If time permits, we will also address questions at the end of the meeting.
If you are not yet on the GaL-AA email list, please sign up today through our Members Page.
This is your opportunity to actively participate in shaping the future of GaL-AA. We encourage all members to attend, cast their votes, and be part of this important process.
For more information, please visit our Annual Meeting page.
GaL-AA Election Committee
GaL-AA's Spotlight On Sobriety 10/26/2025
The Spotlight On Sobriety features personal stories, articles and reflections submitted by members and friends of the fellowship. The views expressed are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily represent those of Alcoholics Anonymous or GaL-AA.
Your GaL-AA Newsletter Team
